You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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