it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
two words...techno handjob
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
