but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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