Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You made out with two different species that night
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
