YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
