I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
