yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
