Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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