i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
