When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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