don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
