When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
