Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
