Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My underwear smells like fireworks.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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