last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
