Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
