I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
