I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
