Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
