Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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