you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
