If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
