Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
