Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
What a dumb baby whore.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
