Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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