I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
How external is "for external use only"?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
