Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
