I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
