3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
