Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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