I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
