My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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