we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
