Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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