The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Need sex. Gaining weight.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
