Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
