Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
