my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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