the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
