Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
