I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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