I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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