R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
