omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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