Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
