He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
