Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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