This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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