My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
