return my video game
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
